{"id":593,"date":"2008-06-29T20:11:07","date_gmt":"2008-06-30T01:11:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.caroledefino.com\/?page_id=593"},"modified":"2008-06-29T20:11:07","modified_gmt":"2008-06-30T01:11:07","slug":"families-and-relationships","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.caroledefino.com\/index.php\/families-and-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Family Rules, Chemical Dependency and Your Life Today"},"content":{"rendered":"

We learn how to live and interact with others from\u00a0experiences in our families,\u00a0growing up, or in our current\u00a0family environment.\u00a0\u00a0The\u00a0behaviors\u00a0 we\u00a0learned and needed,\u00a0 become\u00a0our guide to\u00a0all the\u00a0relationships we develop.\u00a0 So, whether you are a part of, or grew up in, a healthy family or one that was impacted by addiction, you will tend to respond to new people and events the way you learned was best for you in your family. Following\u00a0are some characteristics of healthy and unhealthy family environments.<\/p>\n

See which most apply to you? If your family\u00a0matches more\u00a0dysfuntional rather than healthy characteristics, then\u00a0for your benefit,\u00a0becoming more aware\u00a0of\u00a0how\u00a0you respond\u00a0here and now is important for your life. Do you respond\u00a0to\u00a0the person and event of the moment,\u00a0or is it a\u00a0reflex,\u00a0a repeat of\u00a0 a\u00a0family interaction, \u00a0and\u00a0is this working for you?\u00a0If you see that reflex actions\u00a0often take over,\u00a0\u00a0counseling can help you to handle the\u00a0“now” in a more beneficial way to you.\u00a0\u00a0Check the information below to see\u00a0 how it might relate to you.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

In Healthy Families:<\/strong><\/div>\n
<\/strong><\/div>\n

1. Problems are acknowledged and resolved.<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0 All family members are\u00a0encouraged to\u00a0express their own:\u00a0perception;\u00a0feelings;\u00a0thoughts and opinions; desires,\u00a0fantasies.<\/p>\n

3. Respect prevails for each person equally.<\/p>\n

4. Communication is direct and congruent. (For example, when speaking\u00a0of death, you are somber, not smiling).\u00a0Messages are clear,\u00a0no double meanings; what is said is meant.<\/p>\n

5. Needs\u00a0are met.\u00a0There is safety, nurturing, physical, emotional care .etc., for each.<\/p>\n

6. Each person may be different without being\u00a0shamed, criticized, etc.<\/p>\n

7. Parents can be\u00a0trusted; they\u00a0do what they say they will do.<\/p>\n

8. Family roles are chosen and flexible.<\/p>\n

9. There is an\u00a0atmosphere of fun and spontaneity.<\/p>\n

10. Each is accountable for his\/her own behaviors.<\/p>\n

11. Violation of others\u2019 values leads to feelings of guilt and remorse.<\/p>\n

12. Mistakes are forgiven and viewed as learning tools.<\/p>\n

13. Boundaries are clear and flexible.<\/p>\n

14. All family rules\u00a0are appropriate.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

In Unhealthy Families:<\/strong><\/div>\n
<\/strong><\/div>\n
There is a very different environment.\u00a0Where there is chemical dependency or other issues that dominate family interactions, (e.g. other addictions, mental or physical disorders, disabilities\u00a0and such) family members become enmeshed with each other and tend to be without boundaries and have mixed roles and are unpredictable.<\/div>\n
<\/strong><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/div>\n
\u00a0The\u00a0following\u00a0often prevail:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 ego centered members; denial and shame; inconsistency, insecurity, fear, loss of hope, powerlessness;\u00a0\u00a0anger;\u00a0guilt and blame.<\/div>\n

Family\u00a0rules\u00a0revolve around the\u00a0behaviors and wants of the alcoholic\/addict, or other identified\u00a0patient, such as: e<\/strong>nable;\u00a0don\u2019t talk or express yourself;\u00a0don\u2019t feel;\u00a0blame someone else for the problem.<\/p>\n

Family members reactions include:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0isolating; enabling; \u00a0acting in unpredictable, inconsistent and irrational manner; becoming intolerant and distorting of family rules.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0Traits\u00a0that predominate the family are:\u00a0<\/strong> false sense of control, lack of ability to trust;\u00a0 devaluation of feelings and needs of self and others;\u00a0 loss of personal responsibility for problems;\u00a0having\u00a0blurred or rigid boundaries.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

When the “identified patient”\u00a0\u00a0gets into recovery and begins a better life, the impact of the disease of chemical dependency on family members\u00a0does not\u00a0resolve itself.\u00a0\u00a0It is\u00a0just the\u00a0beginning for the addicted person and the family.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Research tells us the family members\u00a0also need to tend to\u00a0their own recovery and change\u00a0from the unhealthy behaviors that had been used to survive in that environment.\u00a0\u00a0This is true, whether or not the alcoholic\/addict recovers.<\/p>\n

Living in the “unhealthy” family has spawned terms such as codependent, ACOA, (adult children of an alcoholic), COA (children of an alcoholic), to help classify the trauma to those without addiction personally,\u00a0so\u00a0they may\u00a0learn a better, more self-caring, and serene\u00a0lifestyle.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Counseling can provide support needed, for\u00a0the addict or affected friends and family, to\u00a0find the path to better lives.\u00a0 I can help you access\u00a0the tools you need\u00a0and\u00a0the ways to use them, so you are able to\u00a0heal the damages and scars you\u00a0suffered from your ordeal.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 “What we fail to remember, we are doomed to repeat.”<\/em><\/p>\n

\ufffd<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We learn how to live and interact with others from\u00a0experiences in our families,\u00a0growing up, or in our current\u00a0family environment.\u00a0\u00a0The\u00a0behaviors\u00a0 we\u00a0learned and needed,\u00a0 become\u00a0our guide to\u00a0all the\u00a0relationships we develop.\u00a0 So, whether you are a part of, or grew up in, a healthy family or one that was impacted by addiction, you will tend to respond to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":3,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.caroledefino.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/593"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.caroledefino.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.caroledefino.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.caroledefino.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.caroledefino.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=593"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.caroledefino.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/593\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":605,"href":"http:\/\/www.caroledefino.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/593\/revisions\/605"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.caroledefino.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=593"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}